Speechless

            “If you love me, just say something!” she wailed.

            I stood there, cold and silent. Her eyes were red and puffy, makeup trailed down her cheeks. I should have grabbed her and held her close to my body, remind her that the spark was still there, but I didn’t deserve it.

            Just like how she didn’t deserve me.

            “Please! Anything! Just say something!”

            Like a stone cold statue, I didn’t move. I only stared into her beautiful eyes, whereas she only saw ice in mine. I held my ground as she pounded her fists against my chest, begging me to say something. It wasn’t the punches that hurt me so much as the heartbreak I caused.

            She knew what I did. She must have. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be crying like this. I wanted to cry, too, but I can’t back down. I have to finish what I started. Whatever it takes. She buried her face deep into my shirt. Feeling her warm tears through the fabric, I took a step back. Eyes revealing pain, she looked at me as if she had been betrayed.

            And she had been.

            I wish she didn’t have to find out this way. I remember my cell buzzing and it was her. I picked up and I heard yelling and crying on the line. She screamed about how dare I cheat and how dare I be unfaithful. She swore into the phone, I remember. I deserved that. No. Actually, I deserved much worse and she deserved much better.

            I was so stupid. I let the perfect girl go. All because I didn’t know how to manage my feelings. I was so upset after a fight we had a few nights prior to that phone call. I met this girl at the bar and she looked so pretty. I don’t remember much of what happened, except that my lips were locked onto hers and apparently, my girlfriend’s friend took a picture.

            That must’ve been the worst way to find out. I never meant for her to know. I never meant to hurt her. But I did and I can’t change that. However, I can make sure I never hurt her again even if I can’t be with her.

            She deserved so much better.

            “Do you still love me?” she cried. I wanted to look her straight in the eyes and tell her yes. Yes, I still love you. Yes, I hurt you in the worst way and I can’t imagine how you feel, so that’s why I have to do this.

            Yes, I will always care.

            It’s just some things can’t be fixed with a simple “sorry.”

            I didn’t answer her. I let her stare at me with so much emotion. Pain. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Love. Hate. It was a whole roller coaster in her head. She was hiccupping and coughing. Her face splotchy and red, she made sure I saw the pain I caused her. Her eyes used to shine like stars, but now they seemed crushed like stones. Believe me, I knew what I did. She looked at me one last time and turned around towards the door and hurried out of the room.

            That was the last time I would ever see her. I collapsed in a chair and sighed. Fighting back tears, I sat in silence. There were no words to be said, nothing left to explain. My phone buzzed. It was that girl from the bar. Full of anger, I threw my phone against the wall and watched it shatter. Burying my face in my hands, I felt a lump rise in my throat.

            What have I done?